Emotional Rescue
Sydney Morning Herald
Thursday April 17, 2008
Thoughtful gifts of food at times of loss or upheaval can be the best form of support for a grieving relative or new mother.
IT DOESN'T often matter that we Australians have so few traditions surrounding big life events such as births, marriages and deaths. That is, until someone we know experiences a bereavement and we have absolutely no idea what to do. A custom - something comforting but not overwhelming, supportive but not intrusive - would be so useful at that moment. But there is one tradition that is entrenched in our history and still practised every day, whether or not it's ever been noted in a guide to etiquette. It is the bringing of food. A tin of shortbread, a meal for the freezer. It is a small, glorious thing to be given food when you're grieving.Margaret Fulton, the cookery writer who has covered most of our culinary traditions, says: "When there is bereavement ... life is turned upside down and you don't want to cook and you've got visitors phoning. As well as feeling the grief, you've got the practical side of things. We do know that food makes us feel better and sharing food makes us feel better. So this thing of bringing food, it's just so basic, so intrinsic. People have been doing it for centuries." Dr Roger Haden, a sociologist and director of the Research Centre for the History of Food and Drink at the University of Adelaide, says Anglo-Saxon traditions around death particularly tend to be loose and undefined."But events like births and deaths have a deep resonance and associations with food will always come into it," he says."You are communicating by investing your emotions in your cooking. It's a cliche that love goes into what you make but in actual fact, it's true. Cooking and bringing food is a literal communication of emotion."When Lucy Bertram, 27, lost her mother suddenly six months ago it was the baskets and tins and Tupperware arriving every day that made her feel most supported. "When it first happened, I didn't really want people in the house but I needed to feel like everyone was just lined up outside waiting for me when I wanted them," she says. "And there was this absolute torrent of food through the door, which really did make us feel that people were there."In the midst of grief and shock, it was the well-intentioned but poorly executed offerings that provided the only moments of comic relief. "Most of it was just brilliant, like the baking to feed all the visitors and little meals for [one-year-old daughter] Edith," Bertram says, "but anything mince-based or really meaty was just too much, like a sort of bereavement casserole."My student-cousin brought me a bolognese that I know his mother had made for him and he just re-gifted it, but a bit too late in its life. "And the seafood quiches that were left on the doorstep in an ice-cream container, we had to bin straight away, as we really didn't need salmonella as well."So, how to carry out this lovely custom well? According to Fulton, it's a delicate balance of thoughtfulness and practicality. "It is a psychological thing," she says. "You've got to really think of what would get people back. That's why I like the Jewish chicken soup because it's got just a few vegetables in it and it's got just a few pieces of chicken, which are nutritious, and it's got the pasta, which also is easy to digest and isn't going to cause any problems. "Colourful foods and spicy foods are stimulating and it's not a time you want to be stimulated. That's why the chicken soup is my favourite because again it's pale and you don't do the things like brown the meat, like you would for a casserole, so it hasn't got that savoury smell. Yet it has got a lovely reassuring smell."Home baking, such as scones or pikelets or shortbread, also works well, Fulton says. "It's a sort of very strange thing to be in the position of [having] someone dying. Most of us are ill at ease with it. So we do what we know and that is they'll be hungry [and there will be] an awful lot of visitors and the natural thing for any person to do is to say 'would you like a cup of tea?' They know that a cup of tea always helps; they know too that you've got to have something to eat. "That's what I've often done, taken a little basket of scones and some nice butter and a pot of jam. Most women know how to knock up a batch of scones."As well as delivering parcels to most residents in her street at various times, Fulton has been grateful to receive them. "I know when I've been suffering and when I've had a bereavement in my family, I've appreciated when something comes from an unexpected source. Then it's so touching. It helps you to bridge and connect and I think it helps you come out of your own little world when it's an unexpected thing." Which is why, she says, it doesn't have to be limited to friends you know well. Acquaintances will be equally touched and they needn't even be grieving. New parents make excellent recipients, too. "I remember when a woman was having a baby [next door]," Fulton says. "There was a lot of screaming going on and then the police came because people were worried. "What the woman was doing was having a baby in a water bath and there were a lot of hippies down in the corner house. I had been making chicken soup - I had this big pot of it. At any rate, when the yelling stopped and the police went and we discovered what was happening, I took that down and everyone pounced on this soup. I wanted to say leave some for ... I couldn't even say the girl's name because I didn't know it. But you see, it's strange how it works."The best food gifts * Bring something home-made in a container that doesn't need to be returned. * Don't bring anything heavily flavoured, aromatic or spicy.* Meals that can be frozen are useful for later on but baking is best in the first week or so. Even if the bereaved person doesn't feel like it, the visitors will.* If there are little children in the house, make individually portioned dinners such as miniature shepherd's pies that can be frozen and served later. * You can't go far wrong with soup, which keeps very well. If you put a loaf of good bread in too, it's a meal.* Don't go overboard with fruit baskets or gourmet hampers. Simple and homely is the goal. * Don't leave food on the doorstep because it may spoil before it is found. Just knock and deliver it, then leave promptly. * Make food even for an acquaintance. It is 90 per cent about the gesture and it is one that no one could be offended by.* Don't expect a thank you note.
© 2008 Sydney Morning Herald